Tuesday, January 13, 2009

L&D Rules

I found this and thought I would share....labor and delivery nurses will get it...everyone else, maybe not. This is a joke!

Rules of the Labor and Delivery area

1. Don't ask me if my wheel can tell you if you got knocked up on the 15thor 16th. That's too damn close to have 2 different partners anyway.Just suffer for 8 more months, assuming the father is not the one it should be. For real. I get asked when a patient may have conceived from time to time. Usually it's related to being sure who the FOB is

2. Bed rest does not include walking around Walmart or running by the mall topick up something. I'm gonna start handing out this instruction when I have to put someone on bedrest!

3. Don't come in the middle of the night because you've been throwing up for a week and then ask me to get you something to eat.

4. Breathing hard and faking to your family like you're having contractions WON'T open up your cervix.

5. Tears and rolling around in the bed also will NOT open your cervix.

6. Doing sit ups while in the bed to make the monitor "go up"also... WILL NOT open your cervix.

7. Until your cervix is opening, don't plan on staying.

8. If you fight with your boyfriend and need a little TLC... go to his mother's house, not the labor room.

9. If you are there with someone in labor, don't try to read the strip and tell me what's going on. You don't know the difference between a fart and a contraction and you'll likely just piss me off and delay your loved one getting pain medication or her epidural.

10. When I ask the patient a question, that's who I want the answer from... OK? I don't need her mother to tell me when she had sex last....

11. This day and time, if a patient is between the ages of 37 and 42... she has had approximatley 2-5 partners. If she is between the ages of 28-36, the average is 7. If she is in her early to mid twenties, then her age is how many partners she's had... If she is a teenager, then "too numerous to count" applies. (and she has had, or currently has chlamydia or trich)

12. Open your damn legs. If you were a virgin, you wouldn't be here.

13. Shave that sh*t. If we wanted a trip to the jungle... we'd go there.

14. Clean your ass before you come in. Unless you have the umbilical cordhanging out, are in a serious accident, or are bleeding profusely, take time towash it up a bit... it's going to be on display. (Why do you think I like to get women in the tub? JK)

15. You'd better be nice to your nurse. She, not the physician, decides when you get pain medication... There is such a thing as placebo. We can also make you wait the entire 2 hours... adding 45 minutes for our convenience... or we can give it to you 15 minutes early.... it's all in your attitude.

16. The fewer visitors you have in with you... the better mood your nurse will be in.

17. Get rid of that one "know it all" visitor before it's toolate. She can ruin the entire experience for you by pissing me off.

18. If this is your 6th baby, either get the epidural before you come in, or don't plan on one.

19. Don't blame us when you're baby can't say it's own name when it's 5. Chances are, it was the cocaine you snorted in the parking lot,just before you were rushed in abrupting.

20. If your pulse is 50 when you come in... from all the downers you'vebeen downing... chances are your baby will be several bricks shy of a full load. It's your fault, not ours.

21. When I ask you if you smoke... you should include marijuana in that answer.Other things that should be included are, hashish, crack, meth, and any otherillegal drug that you may have smoked. Nicotine is the least harmful of all thecrap you could smoke...dummy.

22. Don't bitch at us because your baby has to stay in the hospital until it's 2 months old, weaning off of Methadone or Morphine. Regardless of what the bullshit clinic says to you.... Methadone is NOT healthy for babies.

23. If you call us and say you're bleeding profusely, then I'd bettersee some blood when you come in. Do you know how many people we notify for shit like that!

24. Hard labor doesn't just stop with 1 bag of IV fluids. We know a fakerwhen we hydrate one.

25. If you're an addict, we already have a preconceived notion about you,and we probably don't like you. Nothing personal... it's just the way itis. You chose that life... now live it.

26. Regardless of the fact that your neighbor's sister's aunt had ababy at 30 weeks and it is perfect... that does NOT mean we're going to letyou have yours at 30 weeks.

27. Your neighbor's sister's aunts baby likely had to stay in thehospital for 6 weeks, and could possibly have problems that you're not awareof... dumb dumb.

28. You'd better tell us if you're on narcotics... trust me......We'll know soon enough, because our drug of choice is Stadol.... HA HA.

29. If you have track marks on your arm, "NO YOU CAN NOT GO OUT AND SMOKE" with your IV. What do you think we are, Stupid?

30. Don't scream. We hate screamers. It get's on our nerves and we just sit at the desk looking at each other and grinning and making faces. It'snot to your advantage.

31. If you don't have custody of your 3 other kids, chances are youwon't go home with this one either. We ARE calling Social Services.That's our job.

32. If the baby's dad is in jail, and he's still your boyfriend, we automatically assume "birds of a feather flock together".


mitchsmom said...


Anonymous said...

I love this! :-) Very, very funny!